Friction or Fiction?

I am so messed up right now. Even as I type this my hands are shaking and my heart is pounding. I feel sick. If you read this whole post I just might fall in love you. It's not like you will be the first one I have fallen for, do you see my skinned knees and bloody hands darling? They bleed for you. Or the only one for that matter. oh by the way darling (can I call you that? because I would love to call you that.) Am I the only one who thinks you, the one always on my mind, are beautiful? Am I the first? Am I the only? How do you feel? Do you feel beautiful? Because I think everything about you is beautiful. Just give me an hour of your time and I can make you feel the same way as I feel about you. But then again I am lovesick and these words stick. The roof of my mouth is crowded with things I have thought again and again but never spoken. Thats why I s-s-s-stutter over my words sometimes. I need to make sure I don't let something slip. Because that would be a castatrophe and everyone knows how I deal with embarrassment.

I need answers. I need questions. I need a voice. I need a pen. I need my mind back. I can't stand this. I don't know what 'this' is but I need to get away from 'it'. I feel like I am being restrained, being pressured, being suffocated. I can't breath. A week ago I woke up in the middle of the night, choking and not breathing. Choking on what you ask? I don't know. Maybe all these words that are bubbling to the tip of my tounge, only to be swallowed again?

My dreams have become crazed. In them I am where I want to be but I can't see around me. And you are there and you love me the same way I love you. (can you explain to me the way I love you again? I must have told you millions of times in my mind. Just say those little words, acknowledge me. please, I am drowing in a sea of my own doing and baby you know I can't swim. Toss me a lifeline. I am pathetic and I know it and I hate it.) I can't stand this. I'm throwing items around my house, breaking pencils and tossing clothes, and throwing ideas around the constraints of my brain. Words, verbs, nouns are rebounding around my skull and then flowing out of my mind, passing my heart, and cascading down through my arm, only to crash to a jerking halt in my wrist. They sit there and pile up. Soon they will back up so far up my arm and my heart that they reach my vocal cords and something will snap and I will let them spill out of my mouth. Frusterated, I'm filled with all these ideas and thoughts and yet I can't really explain them- to anyone, even myself. I feel heavy and weighed down. I'm trying desperatly to get it on paper, to try to make sense of my thoughts. Feelings rush past me like a cool winter wind and swirl around my feet, twirling leaves and debries and crumpled bits of paper and lovesick thoughts around in my own mini tornado. It penatrates through my skin and enters my blood stream with an icy blast. It numbs me to my core- my bones are brittle. Desires brush against my skin like a lovers kiss and I shiver deliciously at the touch.
One second I know whats going on and how I feel, the next scond I do a complete 180 and I have a totally different point of view. Writing it on paper, telling you, just means admitting it to myself.

And I don't know if I am ready for that. I can't admit these truths to myself. So I ignore them while blantenly putting up away messages with their name written in between the lines. Its so obvious, can you see it? My thoughts, my days, my time, my actions- everything revolves around that one person I can't get out of my mind.

I know I must be insane. I'm having out of body experiences. Headaches add to my confusion. Off limit thoughts of me and you rack my body and I flinch my head away, trying to break off my train of thoughts before I become engrossed. You are already all I think about and now you haunt my dreams. You control my life and you dont even realize it.

I see you standing there, do you see me sitting here? I've been listening to love songs on repeat for days and days. I am so confused right now. I keep on blurring the lines of my mind and reality together. I know how people act in real life but in my head I imagine them as I want them to be and thats how I think of them. The way I lust over them. The way I spend my days dreaming of them. I know in real life that they are different but I can't help but adore the vision I've created. And my version is so much better than the real life one. The flesh and blood one hurts to think about. Do you even know my last name? I want you. I want to be you. Then I can be around you all the time. I can see the way your skin feels, if your hands are really as soft as they look, if your thoughts match mine. Sometimes I see you glance my way. Or at least I think I do. Maybe it's just my overactive imagination, spurred on my hope and driven by desire. I know some people dont like you, people including some of my friends, but your voice drives me crazy with delight. I can pick out your laugh in a crowd of people and my ears prick up when I hear your voice. It means you are near and that makes me shiver with anticipation. I have always loved the name . Is it just a coincidence that that is your name? Or is it fate?
Doctor, doctor fix me up right now. My mind cannot control its self at times. Frankly I think you are so much more. Brighten's "Mr. Mister" means so much to me right now. And so does the Dangerous Summer's "Of Confidence". Oh God, my mind is such a mess but theres these things I got to do. Yellowcard has always been there for me. If I bite my tongue it bleeds. I can't see. It leaves us wondering. Are you wondering?

If you have read all of this, thank you. If you understood it... well I doubt anyone will make sense of my jumbled thougths and tooclosetogethertwistedfeelings. But I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read this. And if no one reads this, at least I feel better because I managed to spill a little of myself on paper. The shaking has dimmed and the twisting of my mind has stopped for a few turns- at least for now. I dont't need your approval but I would love to have it.

This is only the beginning. I can promise you that.

~~~~

btw- my title "fiction or fricton" is from the amazing mind of Shaant. Unpublished but he still composed those words and I want to give him the full credit he deserves. He really did sum it up this whole feeling best when he wrote-

if you would be so kind
i will be needing a femmé...standing 5'3"
right in front of me
ok ok, orrr...
under the tree
she'll need brown eyes and a bright smile.
dark hair, olive skin.
(do you think i am asking too much of him?)
her laugh will need to be something
i wont forgeteven 882.5 days after hearing it...
she needs to trust and
be willing to sneak around
ya know... 'fence dates'
and randoms nights of skipping town.
her inerests need to peak mine..
and she can't match all the time
i want thoughts and kisses
i want her to bend her back
and tell me what to do.
and most of all
i want to be able
and look back on thisand realize that
i can be cliché sappy...
as long as i was happy.

I LOVE the way he writes. He is the definition of amazing in my eyes. I adore him. If I could write half as well as him I would be content. His writing is so freaking amazing.
xoSavannah